Marriage… Commitment is Essential (Part 3)

A brief recap from last month:

Are we willing to make a lifelong commitment to “I Do”?
Are we willing to put in the time needed?
Are we willing to accept each other as we are and yet work hard on our short comings?
Are we willing to process and resolve bad feeling frequently and quickly?

Most people have the intention of being committed to their marriage and spouse, and many also realize that this implies translating commitment into actions. Yet they fail to do it. We must develop an honesty within ourselves that counters our own thinking and self-deception that our minds are capable of. There is a human tendency to develop a private logic, or set of beliefs, that we are comfortable with. We avoid seeking the real truth, which can be uncomfortable. For example, we feel better if we can believe that the larger share of the blame for a problem lies outside ourselves. We may want to believe we can enjoy the independence of single life as well as the unity of married life. We want the satisfaction of being right, and in control. Incompatible or faulty beliefs need to be recognized and dealt with honestly, as individuals and as a couple.

Commitment requires us to accept the principle that once we are married, ending the marriage cannot be considered as a solution to the problems in our relationship. We would never consider leaving our children as a solution to our problems with them. If you seriously consider another job, your devotion and performance in your current job inevitably suffers. If your destination is not determined, you are prone to make changes in direction that appear to lead to more interesting or pleasant places. So it is with marriage. Our destination must be the best relationship possible, given each person’s human faults. Our job is to find the best way to do it.

If a marriage is to be lasting and satisfying, consistent with God’s design, we must periodically evaluate the nature of our commitment, as expressed through our actions and behavior patterns. True faith is demonstrated in action as well as belief. Has our commitment to marriage been translated from belief, to intention, to specific behaviors? If there are gaps, we need to work hard at them.

Christian marriages should reflect a covenant commitment of the partners to the marriage because we are committed to one another. It starts with a covenant commitment of each partner to the Lord and then to the other person. All of the responsibilities spelled out in Scripture are first to the Lord and then to the partner. The covenant relationship reflects Christ’s covenant commitment to us. He loves us and cares for us not because of what we are but in spite of what we are. This is what grace is all about. It is “unmerited” favor. This is the source from which forgiveness springs. We should be committed to marriage because we are committed to one another.

A marriage covenant is characterized by total, exclusive, continuing and growing commitment. Starting next month we shall take a brief look at each of these four basic characteristics.

by Don Callander